The Empty-Armed Mommy

Christmas is quickly approaching, and I feel like my holiday spirit is missing this year. Every Christmas song, twinkle light and Santa picture this year feels like an unhappy reminder of what my Christmas should be like this year. In scenario number one, I should be preparing for my child's second Christmas. I should be standing in line to see Santa with my one-year-old and wondering if their stranger danger is going to kick in or if they'll do great for those pictures for the grandparents. In scenario number two, I should have an 11-month-old who is enchanted by all the Christmas lights. I should be making plans for his/her first Christmas and first birthday and feeling the excitement of knowing that our family will soon be together to celebrate this sweet little one. In scenario number three, I should be preparing for my 10-month-old's first Christmas. I should be laughing as they flail their arms and kick their legs to the Christmas music playing in our house. In th

Six years, five different doctors, four surgeries, four miscarriages, numerous ultrasounds, three sonohysterograms, and one MRI later, I finally have some answers. I saw the infertility specialist today, and I finally found out that my funky uterus is a bicollis bicornuate uterus. Basically, I have two separate uterine cavities that merged together. So, from the outside, things look fairly normal, but the inside of my uterus is really two separate uteri that are divided by normal uterine muscle. I also have two cervices. This is both good and bad... Because it's all healthy tissue, and I don't have a true septum, it's extremely unlikely that my uterus is the cause of all of my first trimester losses. However, my uterus is likely to cause issues, such as early-term labor and breech baby if I'm ever able to carry a baby past the first trimester.  I know that I should be excited about this news. However, I feel incredibly discouraged. Going into this appointment, the h