Surviving Christmas
Christmas is quickly approaching, and I feel like my holiday spirit is missing this year. Every Christmas song, twinkle light and Santa picture this year feels like an unhappy reminder of what my Christmas should be like this year.
In scenario number one, I should be preparing for my child's second Christmas. I should be standing in line to see Santa with my one-year-old and wondering if their stranger danger is going to kick in or if they'll do great for those pictures for the grandparents.
In scenario number two, I should have an 11-month-old who is enchanted by all the Christmas lights. I should be making plans for his/her first Christmas and first birthday and feeling the excitement of knowing that our family will soon be together to celebrate this sweet little one.
In scenario number three, I should be preparing for my 10-month-old's first Christmas. I should be laughing as they flail their arms and kick their legs to the Christmas music playing in our house.
In the fourth scenario, I should be gearing up to make an exciting announcement about the new member of our family being on the way. I should be 14 weeks pregnant on Christmas Day and showing off my growing bump in family pictures.
Christmas for me looks so different from all of these scenarios. This year, I feel very Grinch-like. While I usually love putting up the tree and decorating every corner of my home with Christmas items, I can't bring myself to do it this year. I put up a small tree on my desk and work, and find that I'm often placing items in front of it because looking at it makes me feel sad. I've avoided the Christmas aisles at the stores like the plague because they all just seem overwhelming, and I haven't made it through a full Christmas song on the radio without changing the station.
This year, I'll get to celebrate my nephew's first Christmas with him. He's 11-months-old and was born five days after my second baby's due date. I love him fiercely and am so glad he's a part of our family, but there are days when seeing him hit these important milestones hurts. At times, these milestones are a painful reminder of what I'm missing.
I would be lying if I said Christmas shopping for my nephew and my friends' children has been easy this year. Since I promised to share the bad and ugly, I will leave you with this... Through my shopping experiences, I have learned:
In scenario number one, I should be preparing for my child's second Christmas. I should be standing in line to see Santa with my one-year-old and wondering if their stranger danger is going to kick in or if they'll do great for those pictures for the grandparents.
In scenario number two, I should have an 11-month-old who is enchanted by all the Christmas lights. I should be making plans for his/her first Christmas and first birthday and feeling the excitement of knowing that our family will soon be together to celebrate this sweet little one.
In scenario number three, I should be preparing for my 10-month-old's first Christmas. I should be laughing as they flail their arms and kick their legs to the Christmas music playing in our house.
In the fourth scenario, I should be gearing up to make an exciting announcement about the new member of our family being on the way. I should be 14 weeks pregnant on Christmas Day and showing off my growing bump in family pictures.
Christmas for me looks so different from all of these scenarios. This year, I feel very Grinch-like. While I usually love putting up the tree and decorating every corner of my home with Christmas items, I can't bring myself to do it this year. I put up a small tree on my desk and work, and find that I'm often placing items in front of it because looking at it makes me feel sad. I've avoided the Christmas aisles at the stores like the plague because they all just seem overwhelming, and I haven't made it through a full Christmas song on the radio without changing the station.
This year, I'll get to celebrate my nephew's first Christmas with him. He's 11-months-old and was born five days after my second baby's due date. I love him fiercely and am so glad he's a part of our family, but there are days when seeing him hit these important milestones hurts. At times, these milestones are a painful reminder of what I'm missing.
I would be lying if I said Christmas shopping for my nephew and my friends' children has been easy this year. Since I promised to share the bad and ugly, I will leave you with this... Through my shopping experiences, I have learned:
- Baby's First Christmas items make me cry
- Visiting the Disney Store gives me panic attacks that make me feel like all the air has been squeezed out of my lungs
- Some days, standing in the toy aisles and/or baby aisles at stores is too much for me to take
- Having a melt-down in the middle of Target is apparently OK... most people don't really seem to notice
- My husband is amazing at stepping in and doing the shopping when I just can't
This year, I think maybe it's OK for me to just let Christmas happen. My heart is still hurting from my recent loss, and I'm still healing. So, I think this year, maybe it's not so much about me participating in Christmas... This year it's more about surviving it and hoping that next year will be brighter.
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