Two Years

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Two years ago today, my world felt like it stopped spinning. It was the day I heard, "I'm so sorry. There's no heartbeat," and I felt like my own heart was going to stop beating.
Two years have passed now since I lost my first baby, and it still feels like it was just yesterday. I remember the first words out of my mouth when the ultrasound tech told me: "It's OK. I guess these things happen sometimes." It still baffles me that I couldn't really comprehend what she was saying at first, and that my first instinct upon finding out my baby was no longer living was to try to comfort this person I didn't even know by convincing her that I was totally fine with this horrific, life-changing event. I honestly don't think that the gravity of the situation hit me until she walked out of the room so I could get dressed and I looked at my husband's face.
The details that followed that day and the next day as I was admitted for a D&C are all still incredibly clear. Today, they have been playing over and over in my mind, and I can't get it to stop. I still have days where I hope that I'm going to wake up and find that this has all been one big horrible nightmare... today has been one of those days.
Two years ago, I was at least slightly comforted by being told my loss was most likely a fluke and that the next time would be different. I truly thought that by the same time the following year, I would be holding my angel baby's sibling. Instead, we have hit the two year mark, and all I have to show for those two years is paperwork stating I have now had four miscarriages; my arms are still empty, and my heart has been broken into even more pieces.
Most days I try to be optimistic and to hold on to hope that my rainbow baby is coming soon, and that brighter days are ahead. Today, though, my heart hurts. Today, I very much miss my baby that I had to say good-bye to two years ago.

My sweet baby, though I never got to hold you in my arms, I will always hold you in my heart, and I will always love you.

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