Here We Go Again...

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Here I am again... Another pregnancy with another loss. Over a year after my last loss, I finally managed to get pregnant again, and I was so hopeful that this was finally going to be my rainbow baby. Just like that, everything was ripped away.
My husband and I found out I was pregnant right before I was set to leave on a vacation. The day I left, I found out my HCG levels had doubled, my progesterone looked great, and everything seemed to be going well. I was given instructions to enjoy my vacation and to come in for more blood work and an ultrasound when I returned. I was so excited!
Most of vacation went well... I was able to share the news about my pregnancy with my mom, my grandma, my great-aunts, and several cousins. I soaked up the outpouring of love for my baby, and enjoyed every single moment of my pregnancy. However, on the last day of the trip, I began to bleed, and things changed dramatically.
I spent the last day of my vacation in the emergency room in Daytona Beach with my mom and grandma. In my heart, I knew the second I started bleeding that I had lost the baby, but I still wanted to hold on to hope. I held on to that hope that maybe it was another subchorionic bleed or maybe it was just a fluke that I was bleeding all the way until the doctor told me what I had dreaded: "I'm so sorry. Your HCG levels are already negative. You've unfortunately had another miscarriage."
I can't tell you much else about the rest of that day or going home the next day. I do know that I experienced an amazing amount of support and love from my family and from my husband's family.... from my mom who stayed up letting me cry off and on throughout the night, to my grandparents who insisted on escorting me to the airport even though I had a rental car and could have taken myself, to my in-laws who flew from Denver to Minneapolis to be with my husband when I couldn't be there.
Today, I saw my OBGYN, and again, I spent a good chunk of time crying in a doctor's office. We've hit a point where he's baffled as to why this keeps happening, but he's ready to continue digging deeper for answers. I'm most likely going to be referred to a specialist.
This journey is so incredibly hard, and right now I feel broken. I know that eventually I will gather up my strength to keep moving forward to hopefully having a child and completing my family. Right now, though, I need time to step back from this situation and try to heal again.

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