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Two Years

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Two years ago today, my world felt like it stopped spinning. It was the day I heard, "I'm so sorry. There's no heartbeat," and I felt like my own heart was going to stop beating.
Two years have passed now since I lost my first baby, and it still feels like it was just yesterday. I remember the first words out of my mouth when the ultrasound tech told me: "It's OK. I guess these things happen sometimes." It still baffles me that I couldn't really comprehend what she was saying at first, and that my first instinct upon finding out my baby was no longer living was to try to comfort this person I didn't even know by convincing her that I was totally fine with this horrific, life-changing event. I honestly don't think that the gravity of the situation hit me until she walked out of the room so I could get dressed and I looked at my husband's face.
The details that followed that day and the next day as I was admitted for a D&C are all still…

Surviving Christmas

Christmas is quickly approaching, and I feel like my holiday spirit is missing this year. Every Christmas song, twinkle light and Santa picture this year feels like an unhappy reminder of what my Christmas should be like this year.
In scenario number one, I should be preparing for my child's second Christmas. I should be standing in line to see Santa with my one-year-old and wondering if their stranger danger is going to kick in or if they'll do great for those pictures for the grandparents.
In scenario number two, I should have an 11-month-old who is enchanted by all the Christmas lights. I should be making plans for his/her first Christmas and first birthday and feeling the excitement of knowing that our family will soon be together to celebrate this sweet little one.
In scenario number three, I should be preparing for my 10-month-old's first Christmas. I should be laughing as they flail their arms and kick their legs to the Christmas music playing in our house.
In the f…

All the Wrong Answers

Six years, five different doctors, four surgeries, four miscarriages, numerous ultrasounds, three sonohysterograms, and one MRI later, I finally have some answers. I saw the infertility specialist today, and I finally found out that my funky uterus is a bicollis bicornuate uterus.
Basically, I have two separate uterine cavities that merged together. So, from the outside, things look fairly normal, but the inside of my uterus is really two separate uteri that are divided by normal uterine muscle. I also have two cervices. This is both good and bad... Because it's all healthy tissue, and I don't have a true septum, it's extremely unlikely that my uterus is the cause of all of my first trimester losses. However, my uterus is likely to cause issues, such as early-term labor and breech baby if I'm ever able to carry a baby past the first trimester.  I know that I should be excited about this news. However, I feel incredibly discouraged. Going into this appointment, the hope…

Here We Go Again...

Here I am again... Another pregnancy with another loss. Over a year after my last loss, I finally managed to get pregnant again, and I was so hopeful that this was finally going to be my rainbow baby. Just like that, everything was ripped away.
My husband and I found out I was pregnant right before I was set to leave on a vacation. The day I left, I found out my HCG levels had doubled, my progesterone looked great, and everything seemed to be going well. I was given instructions to enjoy my vacation and to come in for more blood work and an ultrasound when I returned. I was so excited!
Most of vacation went well... I was able to share the news about my pregnancy with my mom, my grandma, my great-aunts, and several cousins. I soaked up the outpouring of love for my baby, and enjoyed every single moment of my pregnancy. However, on the last day of the trip, I began to bleed, and things changed dramatically.
I spent the last day of my vacation in the emergency room in Daytona Beach with …

Where My Story Begins

Miscarriage. We avoid the topic like the plague, sweeping it under the rug and pretending that it doesn't exist. But, for women that have been through it, there is absolutely no denying that ugly word's existence.
Some people try to brush aside miscarriage like it's no big deal... the loss of a pregnancy. But, ask just about any woman who has experienced one, and we can tell you that it is, indeed, a big deal. It's not just the loss of a pregnancy. It's the loss of a child whom we had already began to dream about, to plan for, and to love.  January 9, 2016, I had one of the happiest days of my life: I found out I was pregnant for the first time! I spent the next few weeks on cloud nine, reading up on every piece of pregnancy literature I could get my hands on, seeing my baby's precious little heartbeat for the first time, browsing through aisles of baby items at the store, and planning my new life as a family of three with my husband. I had absolutely no idea t…